Canada:
Fact or Fiction?
By Yann Bink
By Yann Bink
The
most information anyone needs to know about Canada is that it isn’t, always.
Let’s face it: Canadas are bollocks. I mean, when someone tells me “Hey, Canada
is something” I shrug and say “No shut up you bunghole,” and kick them until
they fall over. So, yeah, like, what the nuts is Canada? Who do they think they
are, with their hair and all? Sometimes when people come up to me and tell me,
“Hey, think about Canada,” I do for a second, and then I don’t anymore because
why would you think about Canada when you can think about egg salad?
Egg salad is pretty cool. You can eat it on bread or you
can eat it on a plate, and you can eat it pretty much anywhere without anyone
trying to take it from you. Sometimes when I eat egg salad I think about all
the times I don’t eat egg salad, and those are very different times from the
times when I am eating egg salad because there’s no egg salad.
I bet there’s not as much egg salad in Canada as there is
in America, because in America we have lots of egg salad that you can eat on
either bread or plates. I think Canadians probably wouldn’t like egg salad
because Canada doesn’t always like things that are good or like being real.
Sometimes I wonder if Canada’s hair is really as good as
people say because when I walk around Nevada I usually think “We have pretty
good hair.” I bet Canada doesn’t even know about dried fruit or putting beans
on hot dogs.
People
often say to me, “Hey, if Canada isn’t real how come we talk about Canada?” and
I tell them, “Nuts to you bunghole we talk about North Dakota too,” and they
usually give me money.
People
in Canada probably wouldn’t give me money.
I
keep getting pamphlets about Canada in my bathroom and I wonder if it’s my
neighbor Derek who keeps telling me that his cat tells him the future.
Sometimes I see him looking in my house and I think it’s because he’s Canadian
and wants my socks.
Canadians
love socks. It’s in the pamphlets I get.
Sometimes
I wonder if I think real hard I can make Canada appear in my house so I can
tell it to stop doing itself but I don’t want to talk to a bunghole.
When
I hear didgeridoo music in my head I begin to itch a lot and sometimes I hurt
Derek. I apologize afterwards and he gives me more pamphlets.
