ACT VIII
...
Still not entirely in a North Dakotian bistro.
MR. WIMBLEDY
Will I have to gut the two of you bastard waiters, and take your guts and grind them into beef, and eat that all of that stringy manbeef, and then fill your empty skinbags with the puke of your pulchy beef guts, and then tie strings to your corpses and perform a marionette play wherein you bring us the right fucking meals, or will you just bring them yourselves?
WAITER 1
Yes sir.
WAITER 2
No sir.
The waiters look at each other nervously. Mr. Wimbledy gets up and the waiters run to South Dakota, where they stay at a motel for two weeks and rethink their careers. Waiter 1 begins to pursue an online business in bag analysis and meets a fine woman at the laundromat named Sandy, who loves animals and has red-dyed hair and an exceptional chin. She has not buried her father's corpse and though this makes Waiter 1 pensive to wed her he realizes he is falling prey to his lifelong fear of commitment, and he arranges an elaborate proposal, involving a skip-rocktastic outing at Ocean Shores, and a humble but outgoing beluga whale named Todd somersaulting to shore and blowing an engagement ring out of his blowhole. The exchange between Todd and Waiter 1 is long and convoluted, but should be improvised. These main points should be covered: 1) Waiter 1 needs to ask Todd for his help. 2) Todd needs to be reluctant, for he has only known Waiter 1 a fortnight. 3) Waiter 1 convinces Todd that he, Waiter 1, is Todd's father. 4) Todd must test Waiter 1 and ask what he, Todd, loves most. For only a true dad can know what his son loves most. 5) Waiter 1 answers, "His father." 6) Todd, realizing this paternal epiphany, grows man-legs and comes to shore and hugs Waiter 1 and says he would be glad to help Waiter 1 in his time of need. 7) Waiter 1 laughs, suggesting that he has fooled Todd, who is in actuality his father. On the day of the proposal, Waiter 1 takes Sandy to the beach, and they skip rocks and talk about corn. Todd bursts onto the scene with the ring, and in the process, lands on and subsequently kills Sandy. Waiter 1 is aghast. Sandy is a-dead. Todd is ashamed, but only for a moment. With his manlegs, he gets up and hugs Waiter 1, who is confused. 8) Todd tells Waiter 1 that he knows he is Waiter 1's true father. 9) Waiter 1 asks how. 10) Todd notes that only a true dad can know what his son loves most. When he killed Sandy he could sense the love in his son die. The two cry and the curtain is drawn. Waiter 2's story will play simultaneously on stage with Waiter 1's. In the motel Waiter 2 becomes addicted to morphine and overdoses around the same time Waiter 1 begins his online business.
MR. WIMBLEDY
Bunch of no good hacks, eh Son Boy?
SON
Gee, Pipipsy...you were mean to those men...
MR. WIMBLEDY
Sometimes you have to be, Son Boy. Sometimes, you have to be.
SON
Why?
MR. WIMBLEDY
Sometimes you have to work hard to get what you want. And sometimes people get in your way.
SON
But...
MR. WIMBLEDY
I never wanted you to see me that way, Son Boy.
SON
But Pipipsy, I don't want to be afraid of my Pipipsy. Why must you be so mean to those men, Pipipsy?
Will I have to gut the two of you bastard waiters, and take your guts and grind them into beef, and eat that all of that stringy manbeef, and then fill your empty skinbags with the puke of your pulchy beef guts, and then tie strings to your corpses and perform a marionette play wherein you bring us the right fucking meals, or will you just bring them yourselves?
WAITER 1
Yes sir.
WAITER 2
No sir.
The waiters look at each other nervously. Mr. Wimbledy gets up and the waiters run to South Dakota, where they stay at a motel for two weeks and rethink their careers. Waiter 1 begins to pursue an online business in bag analysis and meets a fine woman at the laundromat named Sandy, who loves animals and has red-dyed hair and an exceptional chin. She has not buried her father's corpse and though this makes Waiter 1 pensive to wed her he realizes he is falling prey to his lifelong fear of commitment, and he arranges an elaborate proposal, involving a skip-rocktastic outing at Ocean Shores, and a humble but outgoing beluga whale named Todd somersaulting to shore and blowing an engagement ring out of his blowhole. The exchange between Todd and Waiter 1 is long and convoluted, but should be improvised. These main points should be covered: 1) Waiter 1 needs to ask Todd for his help. 2) Todd needs to be reluctant, for he has only known Waiter 1 a fortnight. 3) Waiter 1 convinces Todd that he, Waiter 1, is Todd's father. 4) Todd must test Waiter 1 and ask what he, Todd, loves most. For only a true dad can know what his son loves most. 5) Waiter 1 answers, "His father." 6) Todd, realizing this paternal epiphany, grows man-legs and comes to shore and hugs Waiter 1 and says he would be glad to help Waiter 1 in his time of need. 7) Waiter 1 laughs, suggesting that he has fooled Todd, who is in actuality his father. On the day of the proposal, Waiter 1 takes Sandy to the beach, and they skip rocks and talk about corn. Todd bursts onto the scene with the ring, and in the process, lands on and subsequently kills Sandy. Waiter 1 is aghast. Sandy is a-dead. Todd is ashamed, but only for a moment. With his manlegs, he gets up and hugs Waiter 1, who is confused. 8) Todd tells Waiter 1 that he knows he is Waiter 1's true father. 9) Waiter 1 asks how. 10) Todd notes that only a true dad can know what his son loves most. When he killed Sandy he could sense the love in his son die. The two cry and the curtain is drawn. Waiter 2's story will play simultaneously on stage with Waiter 1's. In the motel Waiter 2 becomes addicted to morphine and overdoses around the same time Waiter 1 begins his online business.
MR. WIMBLEDY
Bunch of no good hacks, eh Son Boy?
SON
Gee, Pipipsy...you were mean to those men...
MR. WIMBLEDY
Sometimes you have to be, Son Boy. Sometimes, you have to be.
SON
Why?
MR. WIMBLEDY
Sometimes you have to work hard to get what you want. And sometimes people get in your way.
SON
But...
MR. WIMBLEDY
I never wanted you to see me that way, Son Boy.
SON
But Pipipsy, I don't want to be afraid of my Pipipsy. Why must you be so mean to those men, Pipipsy?
MR. WIMBLEDY
You must learn that not everything is pooples and giggles, Son Boy.
SON
What do you mean...? I don't like this!
MR. WIMBLEDY
You must learn to be okay with the way the world works, Son Boy. The weak must bear the weight that the strong can lift. That is how it has always been. The sooner you can accept this, the stronger you will be.
SON
I don't want the world to work that way!
MR. WIMBLEDY
Your whining is becoming quite annoying, Son Boy!
SON
(Crying) Pipipsy, don't say that!
MR. WIMBLEDY
(After much thought, sighing) Son Boy, I think it's time we had you do the test.
SON
What is the test?
MR. WIMBLEDY
Oh, it is, Son Boy. It is a very terrifying test. But it is a necessary test. I did not want to tell you this for a long time, Son Boy, but now it seems I must, so that you may understand my actions: I have had past sons.
SON
No!
MR. WIMBLEDY
Quiet. And these sons have all failed this test. You, my Son Boy, must do it, so that I can continue to call you my Son Boy. I must have a strong boy. It is clear you are not strong yet. The test will make you a strong boy.
Son Boy is stricken by everything he has been told. He releases no fluids, and asks no questions.
SON
Très bien.
MR. WIMBLEDY
Luckily, the arena is only a twenty minute walk from here.
Luckily, the arena is only a twenty minute walk from here.
As they exit, the table begins to cry because no one was listening to him and he wrote a very good poem.
End of Act VIII.
(Act IX coming soon.)
End of Act VIII.
(Act IX coming soon.)
